THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident. It's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, So you're a man, that's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days.
The man replies, I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God! The woman continues, And look at this, here's another miracle.... My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.
Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man shakes his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man. The man asks, Aren't you having any? The woman replies, No. I think I'll just wait for the police...
CREATIVE WRITING 101
A university creative writing class was asked to write a concise essay containing the following elements:
1. Religion 2. Royalty 3. Sex 4. Mystery
The prize-winning one-line essay read:
"My God," said the Queen, "I'm pregnant. I wonder who did it!"
(from Adriana Yamane)
But this contribution from Arlene Rees of British Columbia comes a close second:
"Holy shit" said Cinderella. "It's after midnight and I'm fucked if the Prince discovers who I am ..."
ASIAN JOKES
An Asian man walked into the currency exchange in New York with 2000 yen and walked out with $72.
The following week he walked in with 2000 yen and was handed $66. He asked the teller why he got less money than he received the previous week.
The lady answers, "Fluctuations".
The Asian man stormed out and, just before slamming the door, he turned around and said, "Fluc you Amelicans too!"
THE GREAT DEBATE
Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to leave Italy. There was, of course, a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He would have a religious debate with a leader of the Jewish community. If the Jewish leader won the debate, the Jews would be permitted to stay in Italy. If the Pope won, the Jews would have to leave.
The Jewish community met and picked an aged Rabbi, Moishe, to represent them in the debate. Rabbi Moishe, however, could not speak Latin and the Pope could not speak Yiddish. So it was decided that this would be a "silent" debate.
On the day of the great debate, the Pope and Rabbi Moishe sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Rabbi Moishe looked back and raised one finger. Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head. Rabbi Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope then brought out a communion wafer and chalice of wine. Rabbi Moishe pulled out an apple. With that, the Pope stood up and said, "I concede the debate. This man has bested me. The Jews can stay."
Later, the Cardinals gathered around the Pope, asking him what had happened. The Pope said, "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions. Then I waved my finger around me to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and the wafer to show that God absolves us of our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?"
Meanwhile, the Jewish community crowded around Rabbi Moishe, asking what happened. "Well," said Moishe, "first he said to me, 'You Jews have three days to get out of here.' So I said to him, 'Up yours'. Then he tells me the whole city would be cleared of Jews. So I said to him, 'Listen here Mr. Pope, the Jews ... we stay right here!"
"And then?" asked a woman.
"Who knows?" said Rabbi Moishe. "We broke for lunch."
When An Insect Falls Into A Mug Of Beer...Englishman - Throws his mug away and walks out.
Scotsman - Takes the insect out and drinks the beer.
American - Threatens to sue the pub. Gets an extra beer on the house. Then he takes the insect out and drinks both beers. Later he writes a bestselling book: "Who Says There Ain't No Such Thing As A Free Beer?")
Singaporean - Observes the American and apes him.
Italian - Calls the waiter over and knees him in the groin. The worried manager agrees to serve him 5 free beers a day if he will just drink them peacefully and stop molesting the barmaid.
Chinese - Eats the insect and throws the beer away.
Indian - Sells beer to the American and insect to the Chinese and gets a new mug of beer.
Pakistani - Accuses the Indian of throwing an insect into his beer. Relates the issue to Kashmir. Asks the Chinese for military aid. Takes a loan from the American to buy one more mug of beer.
Malay - Considers himself under arrest and meekly follows the insect back to the Religious Affairs Department where he pays a hefty fine for consuming the forbidden Al-Kohol.
